Climbers are a crazy bunch. The presidential primaries thus far have shown that politicians are equally as crazy (if not more). So what is there to do but imagine if our presidential candidates were climbers…
Bernie Sanders: Purist trad climber
a.k.a Yvon Sanders
Old school trad grandpa who is known for unwavering ethics. He is proud to claim that he’s “never clipped a bolt” in his life. Is often slowly yammering on in minute detail about an obscure crack he climbed in 1974.
Hillary Clinton: Big wall climber
a.k.a. Lynn Hillary
She was one of the earliest female climbers back in the day when climbing was largely a male dominated sport. Her technical skills are strong and she’s established several impressive FA’s. She’s used to her accomplishments being downgraded or ignored by her male counterparts.
John Kasich: 5.10 climber
a.k.a. Joe the Climber
A safe and reliable climber, someone who is a trustworthy belay and a good guy to have at the crag. He’s known for his patience at the crag when guiding groups of crazy camp kids. Unfortunately, he’s not getting much attention because his climbing just doesn’t stand out.
Donald Trump: Free-soloist
a.k.a. Honnold Trump
On the fringe of the climbing community, he doesn’t need sponsorship because he’s a trust fund kid who went out on a limb and got into climbing. Known for bold statements and very risky climbing. The media is at once mesmerized and horrified at how far he’s come, everyone else is amazed that he’s still alive.
Ted Cruz: Over-confident gym rat
a.k.a. That guy
The guy at the crag loudly giving advice to women on what he thinks is the best “girl beta.” Has been seen with his hands off the brake end of the rope when using a gri-gri.
Marco Rubio: Top-rope tough guy
a.k.a. Macho Marco
He hangs around really strong climbers and follows the hard stuff on top rope. However, he chokes when put on the sharp end and has yet to send the project that he’s TR’ed hundreds of times. He works hard, but can never quite get to the top.
Ben Carson: Rappeler
a.k.a. Carson the Caver
Only vaguely associated with the climbing community because he happens to share the same crag. He’s the guy at the crag happily going down the cliff instead of going up. Unfortunately, he is out of the race after rappelling off the end of his rope after forgetting to tie a stopper knot. Since then, he’s aligned himself with the other fringe member of the climbing community, Donald Trump.